In walks Leonis...

Aside from spending time with Jorge, I also met another Cuban through one of my friends during their late night escapades - which I was always absent for because I was with Jorge having night swims in the pool or simply just retiring to the room early to converse - among other things ;)

So his name is Leonis, and he is definitely a very rare Cuban. At first glance, he had on the same small smile employees of the resort had pasted onto their faces. But upon truly getting to know him, I realized not only was his English impeccable (he knew of words I've only heard in passing and had no accent when he spoke) but he was also capable of dishing out the most sarcastic and mean jokes that rival mine. In short, I have met my Cuban match. There was no shortness of laughter when I was hanging out with him with my friends. There were many moments in which I forgot I was in a different country because he was just like another guy I would meet back in Canada. Slowly we learned more and more about him, like how he was previously employed as a lawyer but found that working at the hotel paid more monthly due to the tips he'd receive. Stories like that just stick with me, how strange that a profession such as a lawyer get's paid less than that of someone sitting at a customer service desk at the resort? As an outsider, it is easy to judge other countries but I assume there are perks to how their society runs - although in no means will I ever be able to adjust to living there.

There are many moments where I catch his gaze upon me, and the feelings I get in return are strangely stronger than those I get when I am around Jorge. Sometimes I slip up and let out more information about how the Cubans work then I should - several times he has asked "just how entangled are you in the Cuban network" and I find myself lying in order to protect my dignity. He seems to see right through the ploys his people plays against tourists and I oddly don't want to disappoint him and have him realize I am just another potential gringo. In the middle of a conversation about my current relationship status, he writes into a novel titled Secret's and slides it over to me. The note was short but conveyed a deep kind of meaning - it made my heart flutter that someone would use an old fashioned way of communication to flirt. Why am I such a sappy romantic whenever I am in Cuba? I will never understand. None the less, when I wasn't with Jorge or my friends - I found myself frequenting his desk just to chat. Maybe I am just another girl seeking a thrill outside the mundane confines of the developed world but what I found in Leonis is something I rarely find in men - a dark sense of humour that gets mine, intellect beyond my own and the ability to communicate thoughts clearly. He was also working on his own ways to get out of the country through his skills as an interpreter. He knew five languages and was in the process of collecting the necessary papers to apply. He also scorned at the others who married to get their green cards, a price most Cuban would pay to escape their current state of affair. It was nice to know he was capable and willing to get out on his own terms. It makes him the most real and genuine.

Jorge does notice I've been spending time with Leonis...but in his words he wants to give me "freedom" and it is "nice I am talking to people" followed by "but if I see you with another boy in that way - then it's done I don't like that yeah?" Jorge has a funny way of making me feel like a child he is lecturing at sometimes or always wants to make sure I am following his will or train of thought. That's one thing I don't appreciate, being treated like an invalid because I don't speak Spanish or that I can't seem to decipher his broken English at times.

I definitely left Cuba more confused than when I got there - but that is a post for another day when I have the energy to continue revisiting the events of the week that has just passed.

Spanish nights

I have just returned from my fourth trip to Cuba and this trip has definitely been incredibly different from the last three.

Let's start from the beginning, prior to returning to the hotel I had to warn Jorge not to act like he knew me because I was going with a group of friends that knew nothing about myself keeping in touch with Jorge. I have to hand it to him, he handled it like a pro and even shook all our hands as if he vaguely remembered our faces but didn't quite know us. It was amazing being back in paradise with the same group of people I had first fallen in love with Cuba. The night air smelled intoxicating and the familiar sights of the hotel and staff within it was comforting - a home coming.

This time around, I felt a genuine connection between myself and Jorge (not in a oh-my-god I'm in love sort of way) But more like, we acknowledge that we can talk with each other in more ways than just through attraction. The kind where you can talk for hours about things and laugh, the real kind of belly laugh you have when you're amongst friends. It was nice to lay some things on the table, such as admitting to one another that there are other "boyfriend and girlfriend" around when we aren't spending the week together. It's dawned on me that this is probably the most truth I've gotten out of him since I've met him. We talked about his past girlfriends and his Cuban ex girlfriend, and he'd stare off into space as he tried to find the words to convey things that were on his mind. That's when I know he's telling the truth, when he gets that look of deep concentration and he shrugs up his suave confident exterior to expose the man he really is. We spent almost every night together talking late into the night despite him having to wake up early for work the next day (Unfortunately he was caught by security a few times leaving my building - but because he is close to upper management he was able to get away with a lot more compared to other staff)

I was also able to leave the resort for the first time despite all the warnings to not do so. One moment I was playing cards with my friends, the next in a spur of the moment decision I was whisked away into a car full of Cuban staff - one of which was the GM of the entire hotel. Sitting in that dark car with Spanish music blasting as they all laughed and spoke Spanish was terrifying. The roads had no light and many pot holes, we turned after turn and sped down the road and I had no idea where we were going. Finally we pulled into another hotel where we got out the car, I tentatively followed the group of howling Cubans with Jorge and entered another disco. It was dark and had a few tourists but mostly it was Cubans who were dancing, drinking and smoking. I watched in awe as Jorge and his coworkers broke out into choreographed dance - hips swaying fluidly...rapid turns occurring in quick succession...I was in a different world and realized just how far apart I really was from Jorge when it came to culture.

Is this really how they live their lives? Series of lovers, dancing and drinking? I question whether I'd ever be comfortable in such an environment and it's a hollow feeling, seeing Jorge there within reach but a lifetime of different memories and experiences between us. The Spanish music continues to beat and soon he becomes just a whirl wind of motions that I could not keep up with.

Forty Days til my Return

As the title suggests, I am returning to Cuba in 40 short days. I seriously have very mixed emotions this time around, I have been out of the country and often times I am reading Jorge's emails and just ignoring them. Super bored of the repetoire of questions he asks which he doesn't even care for the answers.

Maybe this blog will be cut short, or the vacation feels are finally over that I have nothing new to report or even have anything of interest to discuss. I still don't understand how others can fall in love and marry their Cuban lovers in a matter of months, isn't it a little scary to be diving into a lifelong commitment with someone you barely know?

I think reality outweighs romance at this part of my life, I'd much rather focus on improving on myself than trying to figure out whether someone is genuine or not. And I'm a little to selfish to take any risk that would jeopardize the future I have envisioned for myself. I guess what I'm trying to say is, for the men or women that are perusing the internet for Cuban love stories - passionate love affairs are for the most part shortlived. If your Cuban lover is good with words and good at putting in effort to maintain that spark, you're lucky and unlucky. I'm glad Jorge is not gifted in this sense because I can't imagine the emotional turmoil one must go through the keep this 'forbidden love' alive and thriving. I guess it goes to show the laws of attraction works relatively the same in all countries, it really takes two people who share common grounds and interest in one another for it to truly work.

I'm excited to go back to vacation and who knows, give me more material to update this blog afterwards? All I know is I feel the most free when I am in paradise - but no one can live in paradise forever.

Therapy

I don't really know if anyone reads this, but I find this strangely therapeutic. I used to write fanfictions as a teenager, not because I have a way with words but maybe because my mind is always going a mile a minute. It also goes back to having daydreams about unlikely love stories and being able to live a life so different from my own.

But after being inactive for a little more than a month, I returned to this blog to find one comment from an anonymous poster (hello!) Even though I didn't really expect to have anyone respond (at least in a positive manner) it was actually kind of cool to know that someone out there knows of my story that no one else in my life outside the virtual confines of this blog will ever know (hopefully it stays that way).

So thank you, whoever you are reading this right now, for sticking through the highs and lows and my painfully dumb decisions.

Present day

Let's just forget about the nitty gritty details of my last trip to Cuba (seeing that I'm having a hard time recalling things anyways) Let's talk about now.

A few red flags have already been risen when it comes to Jorge. One is definitely that he wants me to "top up" his phone via a website (www.ezetop.com) I've seen mentioned in a few other blogs/forums when it comes to having "friends" in Cuba. The first time he asked, I was disappointed but it wasn't that I didn't expect it - I caused a stink about it but ended up doing it cause what the hell, it's Christmas and as bad as it is, I justified it as "charity". Wow - I still feel like an asshole just writing that. The second time he asked for a top up was two nights ago - this time I didn't hold back and accused him of looking for someone to "take care" of him and the response I got back made me feel like an even BIGGER asshole. But in my defence, I'd rather be prepared and offensive versus naive and stupid. (Attached screenshot below) Anyways, he texted a portion of his message in Spanish and it basically says that my words hurt blahblahblah. I don't know how thick a Cuban's metaphorical skin is, but when you tell a guy off and basically state that there is nothing about our relationship that actually resembles a relationship - they usually back off. But I guess you don't turn your back on a perceived 'jackpot' so easily.

On a side note - I am quite impressed with how quickly I am able to identify Spanish words/sentences now even without the aid of an online translator. If nothing good comes out if this experience, I have to say at least I am brushing up on my language skills.

Cuba III - continued

Whew. Picking up from where I left off almost a month ago is taxing on the brain, don't really remember things as clearly anymore so maybe I'll just blurt out parts that stood out to, here goes...

New Cuban dancer friend is not so slick when asking for things - he needs to brush up on his not so subtle hinting. He out rightly began asking for things like perfume, make up, clothing etc and then asks me to go up to the bartender and ask for a big bottle of beer - Jorge of course either out of anger that another Cuban was trying to take advantage of what HE was trying to take advantage  (if that makes sense) put a stop to that immediately by telling new dancer friend to basically eff off.

New dancer friend appears to no longer be a friend after that incident (note: he kept his distance from then on)

Seriously noted lots of staring and whispering going on as the week went on, but whatever, chin up I suppose because I know what they're saying and even though I have no clue what I doing - I would still like to think that I am not a complete ding-dong and at least know there's no such thing as true love in Cuba. Come on now, I am suspicious of feelings and true intentions even when I am in Canada - trust issues to the max over here.

I think it's actually better that during the day there is no such thing as acknowledging each other as if we haven't just spent the night sleeping together. Surprisingly easy when it's kind of understood that we are two different people when the sun is up.

I have begun revisiting the thought that I had when I heard that dancers sleep with people for money. Basically I was like ew but then I realized...aren't I doing the same thing by leaving a "tip" for Jorge  whenever I leave Cuba. The realization dawned that I essentially just paid for a male prostitute. OH. MY. GOD. The shit that happens in Cuba...pre-Cuba me would NOT be impressed with post-Cuba me.

Opps

Funny how much you can suddenly miss someone when they're not where you always see them. It's strange, this trip I have seen him a lot less than previous trips simply because he is no longer out and about. I hate this constant waiting around and I hate myself for even waiting in the first place.

It's been fun and all, tanning and drinking all day but often times I wish I was able to do what I had came on this trip to do. To actually get to know who he really is and what I am doing. I feel pretty silly waiting for the disco to end and it's so blatantly obvious that this 'tourist' is only hanging around (often times solo) because she wants to be with the entertainer. In fact, writing that out made me blush and cringe. How embarrassing.

In the mean time, I have made a new Cuban friend and he is one of the dancers in the nightly shows. Thin little thing, the same age as me, and still has that honesty and openess about him that he is able to share things seasoned resort workers would hesitate to divulge. It is true though that Cubans do not take kindly to other Cubans over stepping the boundaries when it comes to 'their' tourist and Jorge had made sly references to the fact that I am talking to my new dancer friend but also states that he 'doesn't give a shit about that'. Likewise, new dancer friend also likes to make references to Jorge, even going as far to say that when I leave I should cry for him instead of for Jorge. *I will cry for neither, maybe just cry a little bit because I miss the sun, beach and pool* So this has been an interesting trip, meeting many new people...Cubans and Canadian tourists!

Ahem.

So to get back to the main point and title of this post. I may or may not have had a little too much fun with Jorge last night. I guess you must have saw that coming from a mile away, eventually this girl was going to get herself in trouble if she's returned 3 times to test her will power. It was a little disappointing, but it was also nice to finally get the sexual tension out of the way.